If you call yourself "emo," then I suggest two things. Either finally kill yourself, so I don't have to look at your hideous ass, or read over these tips and change. Don't worry, there is still time!

1) Burn all of your old, size extra-small t-shirts. Buy some colors that aren't black, and some clothes that don't have hoods.

2) Stop shopping for jeans in the little girl's section of Nordstrom's. There's no reason in hell that your ass should look tighter than a chicks' anyways.

Buy some jeans that are at least three sizes bigger then what you normally wear. Hell, your balls may actually drop back down now.

3) Throw away all of your sweatshop-produced plastic jewelry. Three Indonesian kids died trying to make that piece of shit wristband. Show some respect.

4) First, please for the love of God, cut your hair. I know how cool you think that colored stripe looks, but try and part from it anyways. This is not 1982.

Second, trash whatever products you use to flatten your hair against your face. You look like Cousin It from the Adam's Family. How do you drive anyways? You must have the depth-perception of a penis.

5) Throw away all of your CD's. They suck as much as you. I suggest wipping 'em at homeless people, but that's just me.

6) If you don't need to wear glasses, then don't wear them. If you do, then wear contacts. Buddy Holly is dead, and you are not him.

7) Ditch all of your gay emo friends. If one normal-sized guy wanted to beat up your whole group of 15 skinny-ass friends, then you guys would be screwed.

8) Go to the gym. Your bicep is the size of my dong on a cold day.

I didn't know that the "cocaine addict" look was in for guys. Was there a memo that I missed?

9) Burn any evidence of those crappy poems you wrote. You aren't emo because you're depressed, you are depressed because you are emo.

10) That suit jacket that you wear every day is not cool. You are not a businessman.

11) Kick your own ass for ever being emo. Do this after you start working out, so that it doesn't feel like my little sister is punching you.

12) Stop crying so much, pussy.

See, don't you feel better already?